..NengMira..
Saturday
puisi 'tuhan' yang pertama ternyata selamat. kebahagian yang sekalipun tidak mengisi kekosongan puts a smile upon my face. mudah-mudahan pada ngerti isi puisi dwilogi konyol akan permintaan seseorang yang putus asa, taikk ah apa si putus asa, byasa aja kok ;p
Tuesday
malaikat diciptakan dengan akal namun tanpa nafsu, sedangkan hewan kebalikannya. melalaikan akal kita amatlah mudah maka dimana-mana banyak sekali biantang-binatang buas berkulitkan manusia, karena nafsu adalah seperti hidup, hati kita yang seperti mempunyai nyawanya sendiri yang tidak bisa dikontrol dan sibuk sendiri mencintai ini dan itu. sedangkan otak kita sudah terlalu lelah untuk menguraikan getah kehidupan, sudah terlalu capek menggerakkan organ dan mengemudikan jantung kita. tapi hasrat, yang membuat kita sama saja seperti binatang, dapat dengan mudahnya dituruti dan ditaati dan diberi kebebasan. sialan. jika manusia memiliki keduanya; keinginan serta daya berfikir, lalu kenapa kadang kala, ketika hanya logika yang mampu berjalan dan kita sedang betul-betul mati rasa.. kita masih bisa menangis. padahal dalam kurun waktu tersebut kita tidak ada bedanya dengan malaikat yang tidak memiliki nafsu sama sekali. dia, yang seperti cahaya yang hanya menyinari. tapi kita bukan malaikat dan kita masih membutuhkan sesuatu yang lain untuk bercahaya, dan kita masih bisa mengeluarkan butiran tangis tersebut, sekalipun emosi tak berdetak, sama sekali. karena kita manusia. kita nyata. air mata itu nyata. jatuh dari bola mata manusia biasa.
maaf.. puisi Tuhan yang pertama hilang, dan NengMira nggak buat copy jadi cuma satu-satunya didunia (ta'elah dunia, jo!) jadi excuse aja puisi kedua tuh nggak bisa berdiri sendiri as in jadinyah gantung banget.. maafkanlah!! hehe.. peace peace..
.ангел мира.
Monday
_
2
_
tuhan,
ada cermin
ditonton utuh
untuk ngaca
untuk ngoreksi
untuk nyegah
'tuk ngamatin
ada cermin
dibentak pecah
untuk nusuk,
untuk ngiris
untuk nyakitin
ada cermin
mewah kepajang
untuk dandan
'tuk nutupin
untuk pura-pura
tuhan,
aku mau
minta maaf
beri aku
cermin bekas
untuk dia
yang luka.
LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS.
WARNING SIGNS HAVE POPPED UP
WHEN I FIRST MADE THE TURN.
I WAS ON A ROLLERCOASTER RIDE
WHEN I MADE THE WRONG DECISION.
IT ALL SEEMED SO RIGHT, FUCK ME DEAD
IT TURNED OUT TO BE BAD.
SILLY ME, I WAS NAIVE.
I'M NOT THE KING OF THE WORLD,
MY BAD I ACTED LIKE ONE.
IFLEW HIGH INTO A MADE-UP SKY,
NOW I'M CRASHING FAST FAST ONTO
REALITY GROUND.
AND THERE'S A HOLE SO BLACK, SO DEEP;
WITH GRAVITY SO HEAVY, MY BONES
ARE SUCKED OUT LIKE A CAR CRASH
AT 300 MILES PER HOUR.
I VOW TO NEVER HAVE A HEART,
FOR HAVING IT IS A DESEASE I CAN
NEVER FIND A CURE. FUCK YOU.
[ " I'D LOVE IT TO BE
61203
BUT SADLY IT'S
11 @ 51203."]
Sunday
to: jejakhuruf@hotmail.com
subject: melati berduri
sent: wednesday, 12 november 2003 6:32:45 PM
jika memang awam lalu mengapa aku mengais-air air surga
tabu adalah kata didalam sifat seorang pengecut
yang mendambakan jenazah seharum melati
begitu pula dengan munafik
hanyalah kata yang tidak teruraikan
cuma menjelajahi keberadaannya menjadi pawai
perhiasan perisai mereka yang kebingungan memilih
antara kamu dan antara aku, antara kita
sebagaimana duri itu bersahaja
pulas dipangkuanmu
from: jejakhuruf@hotmail.com
to: nengmira@hotmail.com
sent: thursday, 13 november 2003 2:26:15 PM
subject: serangga bengal (re: melati berduri)
meraba-raba rasa haus
bahkan mengupas kulit agung
adalah bukan berzinah dalam kelambu
memang ingin rasanya kuhirup
tanpa memetik keindahan
dan aku marah sendiri memaki
kau yang mencibir atas nama cinta
juga segalanya yang tidak sempurna
adalah kamu yang dinobatkan
maka izinkanlah debu
seperti aku
terbang
my good friends should received this e-mail..
Thursday, 13 November 2003 12:37:28 PM
Let me fill you with a little word of a chicken shit. First of all, you don’t have to know why I even bother sharing my valuable thoughts for you to consider. And second of all, there is a reason why I refer to myself as a chicken shit.
A long time ago I came to a realisation that happiness isn’t a destination, rather it’s a journey, and in that mission of finding that satisfaction in oneself, I failed a lot of time. I played too hard my disappointment merges from every inch of me. Wanting something so badly is not a good choice, because sometimes people fight for something they don’t understand. Before the completion of comprehending an issue, one must analyse the reason behind it. There is a solution for everything.
Losers think being happy is impossible, those who think they’re happy are bunch of liars, and anyone who believes in happiness is a dreamer.
Happiness is an idea. People search for it, rich ones spent millions try to own it. What a silly world we are living in. Dumb ones think alcohol makes you happy. Serotonin release makes you happy, and drugs assist the temporary leak of loads and loads of this particular chemical. These are only theories intelligent people will hold on to. Practically speaking, the urges of wanting to reach that pleasure of being happy have become some sort of culture people are so desperate to accomplish. Why being happy? What is so special of being happy?
I want to be happy so I can live my everyday life with smile upon my face. That’s just truly corny. I have no reason to be happy and I have no reason to want to be happy. Bear in mind that being unhappy may not be the alternative. There are always other choices. People fabricate the idea of being happy and claim they have exposed the feeling of joy that beats all the great experiences in their lives. Something that has been discovered has existed to be found, whereas if you really think about it, happiness is only an invention. Temporary.
My conclusion is that I need to be happy and I wish I can buy it in a convenient store. In order for me to be happy I need to resolve my unhappiness. In the end of the day, I am just a chicken shit who escapes conflicts and wait until the time eats me up. I am jaded for loathing confrontation. The real answer is not permanent for I used to believe in something I never have. My heart beats (partly) for you and therefore I have tasted the real happiness. It was not as pure as I thought it would but it’s worth it. Admitting this, I guess I’m not all chicken shit after all.
I really appreciate our friendship. You as a whole, you as a friend, makes me happy. And I thank you. I know I’m making no sense, but it is because I’m so glad to be your mate, hehe.
Cheers,
Mira Syafinna
Friday
if bono's lyrics could reach that silly gap in my brain, if vai's fingers could dance and leave my contact lenses dry watching, if chuck's books could soak me with tears, if joplin's voice could melt my simple heart, if pollock's work could open my empty soul.. then i'll be happier.
if oliver's food could addict me, if calvin's eternity could block my nose from sensing the dirt in the world, if bannet's music could make my ear exhausted from the bullshit on the face of the earth, oh only if there is a way to make me just a little bit happier.
and then i realise that i dont have to be anywhere else but this stage of almost numb, because at least, i can feel you. then i can forget about being happy.
sent: Thursday, November 27, 2003 02:18
to: taik@malesbanget.com
[ if i never see ya again, think of me now and then - wet wet wet ]
Thursday
i could have met you in a sandbox!! could've passed you on the sidewalk.. could i have missed my chance and watched you walk away??
v'day mood
i want a man who smiles all through the journey, who loves necessary and unnecessary conversations, and very down to earth. i want a man who completes my soul, as his way of gazing has a depth in its simplicity. i want a man who respects my tolerance and willing to try to know the meaning behind my acceptance towards silly chances in life. a man, who understands himself and doesn't need anyone else to be happy. he, who's satisfied by life as it is. my dream valentine..
i need a man who reads me books and sings me lullabies, who listens to all stories and complaints. a man who i don't mind meeting half way with because the game of give and take is the true gift we both cherished. i need an ambitious man who is also laid back, a sophisticated voice outlining a big heart. he loves hugs and he calls at nite, he likes my cooking and massages. a man, who is comfortable in his own body, who may not get what i write or what i call an art, but he means what he says and he says what he means.. most of the times. he, who appreciates my existence, who i can have a great laugh with. i dream of a ma who protects me like a sister. an ordinary person underneath an extraordinary man.
i like a man with a soft innerself and a tough look who i can reach up to who i can rely on. he, who rarely ever make irrelevant assumptions and somehow uses excuses appropriately. i like my perfect match to teach me about many things i have already know for his eyes might sees differently. i long for a man who believes in me, and above all, in himself. he avoids both betrayal and dishonesty. i need a love that comes with trust, which will bring about the greatest power of responsibility, commitment. i long for one man to walk into the point where he is worth the wait. he shares sorrow and halves it, he shares joy and doubles it. i want one simple man who can make me want to be a better person. that's all.
